“Looking back, I wish I had done things differently.” Cliché statements such as these are very upsetting because of the regretful nature they carry. Carrying things such as regret is no way to live a lifestyle. In fact, when you think about it, there’s probably a universe or an alternate reality where things have gone our way. People ended up getting the jobs they wanted, kids finally got the attention they’ve sought for so long after their parents come home from work, or maybe you managed to summon the courage to tell your ex-boyfriend to step off versus the alternative where you put up with his shenanigans all the time. These alternatives to some may be depressing, I find it comforting because I believe somewhere out there in the quantum fields of Physics we ended up being a reality. We’re just two people roaming this universe, meanwhile in another universe, who knows?

I remember the thrill of coming home from high school. Before smartphones, I really only had access to the internet at home. Web blockers and filters censored the fun side of the internet. Not that side of the internet but social media sites were considered very distracting for academic progress. I never maintained good grades or anything like that because school was not a huge priority for me. I blame the internet for being so entertaining and allowing me to connect very well with other users over time. Relationships created based off of the web is very common nowadays especially when you have those lame dating apps such as Tinder. At 15-years old I walked with a quick pace home in order to flip the TV (not flat screen) on Cartoon Network for Toonami, place my iPod nano loaded with depressing songs to charge, and jumped on my laptop logging onto this famous message board at the time. In this world, you could join in the conversation on forums, and interact with other users sharing same interests or hobbies.

This online culture was for people who enjoyed anything Japanese or Anime. At one point during my time on this website there was a somewhat new feature which allowed your character to roam towns. My buddy I’ve known since elementary school was on this web browser client as well. We both would roam from town to town trying to provoke user response to the obscene things we’d say. We were legitimate trolls trying to ruin someone’s day, at times when this worked we would screen cap the responses from other users and use Photoshop to create little comic strips of our adventures and post them on other message boards receiving some sort of notoriety. Yes, I know we weren’t the nicest dudes on the internet but this is what we did for fun. One day on our little misadventures I came across you. Sitting by an animated fountain my buddy and I roamed the area attempting to be edgy and cool by typing horrendous things.

None of this phased you, at all. You found the shit my buddy and I said funny. We engaged in typical conversations much like how the Bible starts off with wonder/creation and eventually diving into deep dark shit a few books later. Our conversations on and off the website were everything to me. We engaged in our nerdy quirks and interests, we played video games together every now and then, we laughed at stupid shit that happened “irl”, we loathed at the struggles of a teenager trapped in high school, and we exposed our vulnerabilities slowly but surely. We were honest open-book teens. The worst but most exciting consequence of this encounter… I was in love with you.

We knew our faces. We took awkward selfies when flip phones didn’t have front cameras (or at least to my knowledge) and we explored the ideas of sexuality with each other. As the years went by, we were both possessed by the actual idea of seeing each other. I graduated first you were just finishing up high school, one summer vacation after high school I decided to visit you. At the time, I was dating someone I really wasn’t interested in. All of my friends had girlfriends at the time and I ended in a relationship because I didn’t want to be the third wheel at Luis’ house.

Finally, the opportunity arrived So here was the scoop: Otacon (an anime convention) was happening in Baltimore, MD. My friends decided to grab a hotel, purchase passes, and drive from Alexandria, Virginia to the spot. As much as I was terrified to lie to my parents I was possessed by the idea of, “it’s either now or never.” I lied to my parents about going to Otacon, I saved up as much money as I could waiting tables at my local Mexican joint, and my friends wished me the best of luck the night prior to my trip. By the time I had to depart from my house, I knew I had a few hours to mentally prepare myself. I put on my best outfit at the time and drove towards you.

I still recall looking in the mirror at myself reciting lines over and over again. I mean, we’ve been talking for years and I was this nervous to meet you. I was terrified of thought that you weren’t who you said you’d be and be some murderer claiming my soul that fateful day. It was scary driving around the city like that, the roads were much different compared to my suburban hometown. I was overwhelmed especially because I recently picked up driving towards the end of my senior year. I remember the slightly excited yet nervous voice over the phone and vice versa.

I found you.

You had to go.

The weekend was over the moment you climbed out of my car and hopped on the train. As you walked away I broke down in tears complaining how nothing was fair. I was consumed by an infinite amount of questions such as: Why did I have to go? Why couldn’t I just live here? Should I apply to school here? I want to be with her and make this real. We kissed one last time and just like that, gone. I arrived back at the hotel devastated but at the same time happy that I got to do this. Lying to my parents, having friends cover for me, and being able to make an extraordinary trip like that worth it to this day.

Years go by, we grow up, go to college, and every now and then check in with each other. I got into relationships and so did you. We began focusing on things within our immediate circles and not on the internet. Over time, our conversations began to die. We communicate through weird ways today by me watching you stream on Twitch. You’ve grown up and I have to say, I love the results so far. I told you one night that I missed the old us, I missed the days where we were much cooler with each other, and how it’s okay that I feel this way but at least the past happened right?

One day as I’m on campus, I decided to take a little break and creep around the web. I figured I’d check on your stuff seeing if you’ve updated anything as you rarely do. I witnessed the short Snapchat video of a guy next to you, turning, and planting a kiss on your cheek.

I’m happy if he makes you happy. I’m just upset at myself for having you buried deep in my subconscious that someday we could be together. Somehow, this makes me tear up as I write this. At the same time, perhaps in some other universe, you and I did happen. We got together and that we’re happy being together. Who knows, we’ve gone two different paths. Two different universes. Alternate realities.